The Right Way to Le Bon Marche or Face the Bird Patrol

There are many kinds of poop in Paris. Plenty of dog poop. You can find it everywhere and it is prudent to step smartly or you will stink the rest of the day. Keeping watch above you, however, is definitely not in any instruction (ok, travel) book about Paris. Today, I learned the hard way that your feet aren't the only thing in peril.

Oh, and just for the record, Momo and Dad scoop the L&P poop.

The other kind of poop, which had not entered my thoughts, that is, until it landed on my head, my shirt, my new prada shoulder bag, and half my hand, comes from very very large birds. Exceptionally large birds. And frankly, smells just like, well, stinky poop. Perhaps that is why many older Parisians wear hats?

For today's adventure, I took the big M to Le Bon Marche. Even though I perused the website and read about the store in travel books and even heard it mentioned by friends who have lived here, (yes, you) everyone failed to mention that Le Bon Marche is a Neiman Marcus look-alike set in Paris. It is completely similar to the San Francisco Neiman's in decor and layout and stock. And don't we all know that shopping in Neimans is a bad idea if you are adorned with let's say, bird poop all over your black tee shirt and shoulder bag, even if it is prada? And probably your dark hair although a mirror might have confirmed that. It certainly smelled like that. I would like to add that whatever that giant bird ate should be banned from its diet in the future.

I was not going to turn around and go home after getting myself there. Especially since the adventure included getting lost, and then found again thanks to a nice tourist with a real map (no, I didn't have one - they make little sense anyway except to people with map type brains). The Metro was the easy part. It was which direction after stumbling out of the underground that foiled me. The only instructions on the website was which M to take, not which sortie to take. The Metro map clearly showed the store right there. Those map makers. I think they drink a lot of french wine while they draw those things. The Metro map was also not a big help. The Metro stop is designated with big white circle. You can't discern direction from a blob with no arrows. So of course I have a momentary mental brain scream, and start off in the opposite direction I should be trotting in, which is undoubtedly why the bird, on stupid tourist patrol, felt obligated to poop on me.

So I use the only tissue in my pocket to wipe three quarters of a cup of bird crap off my black shirt leaving lots of white tissue flecks and remnants so that I look crowd pleasing and smell good too. I didn't think it would matter because I assumed the store would be crowded with shoppers and no one would really notice me. I was about the only customer on the entire floor. And the next floor and the bottom one too. And I bet I was the only one there this entire day who was decorated with bird crap too.

Bon Marche for those interested, is a very diverse store. Unlike in the US where department stores have, well, department store merchandise, Bon Marche would like to appeal to both the couture and the artist that dwell within, so that is why you can find both couture and oil pants quite near one another. In the next building you can find everything epicure as well as books, toys and clothing for les enfant. You have to actually enter the epicure which translates to very nice grocery couture, if you will, in order to go down to the minus one floor to get some children's things. In the other building, if you are on the minus one floor, you may go through the underground to reach the other building. Tunnels tunnels everywhere. By the way, what we call the 1st floor is the zero floor here. Up one is the 1st floor. And down one is the minus one floor.

The lesson here is to watch both up and down as you stroll. You never really know where all the poop is going to be. And go in the right direction the first time. You probably would avoid getting pooped on by the bird patrol.

Momo rates Bon Marche a good 5 for the library like hush and the odd variety of merchandise. If they used a bit more air conditioning Momo might have bumped up the rating. L&P rate it a big fat 0 because they don't carry any stuff for les chiens.